There has been much discussion lately over the topic of marriage, and when is the right time to marry. This recent discussion revolves around an article published in Christianity Today by Mark Regnerus, an associate professor of sociology at the University of Texas. He lays a case against modern American society that says people should prepare first and build a financial foundation before embarking on marital unions. Specifically, Evangelical Churches should pull away from such thinking and promote the marriage covenant more aggressively, and encourage our youth to start much earlier than current statistics show. I agree with him that the church should not embrace such worldviews, and should promote marriage as the gift God made it to be. However, he started the article by laying a foundation that is just another worldly argument that directly violates God's word. And because he started there, it was hard for me to get past that and see the effective rebuttals he made against those who propose postponing marriage until later in life. I suggest that believers should look first to the Bible to see what God says, and with that foundation we can make choices where God has given freedom.
This foundation I struggled with was an argument for promoting earlier marriage based on sexual statistics of young people. By his statistics, over 90% of young adults have sex outside of marriage, and among evangelicals, 80% who are in a relationship have some form of sex outside of marriage. He says these stats show that teaching abstinence to them just isn't working. All it does is make them feel guilty. Regnerus says when we ask our youth to remain pure "few evangelicals accomplish what their pastors and parents wanted them to." He also says "I'm suggesting that in the domain of sex, most of them don't and won't" abstain. He goes on to say "when people wait until their mid-to-late 20's to marry, it is unreasonable to expect them to refrain from sex." According to him, the church is losing the battle for purity because we are putting unreasonable pressure on them in this present culture.
Now I understand why he says he has encountered such resistance to his view on marrying young. These attacks on the fabric of Biblical principles make it hard to keep listening. I know it did for me. Everything else he said was tainted by the conclusion he made from the data collected. Am I wrong? Should we also conclude that since almost everyone is doing it, we are unfair to expect young Christians to stay pure until marriage?
It is important here to remember that the church is not making unbearable demands on us, but we are teaching what God wants and expects us all to do. God's word is clear about whether it is ok to have sex outside of marriage. 1Thessalonians 4 tells us that God's will for our sanctification is that we abstain from sexual immorality (1 Thess.4:3). And, we are not to act with the passionate lusts of unbelievers, but with knowledge how to have self control of our bodies (1 Thess. 4:4-5). The church may need to examine itself in this area, to see if it has adequately trained young people how to know how to control his/her urges. I am sure this is lacking in the church. We are quick to tell them (and us) how immorality is wrong, but then not prepare them with the right weapons to fight the temptations.
The passage continues, though, to exhort us not to wrong each other with sexual sin, and warns us of the consequences before God for those that do (1 Thess. 4:6). God has called us to be holy, and not impure (1 Thess. 4:7). And finally, a stern warning comes to anyone who rejects this, because they are rejecting God (1 Thess. 4:8). After all, The Lord did not leave us all alone, but He gave us the Holy Spirit. We need to be careful not to ever give a message that abstinence is an unreasonable teaching. This passage and many more tell us that it is God's message. (Romans 13:13; 1 Corinthians 5:1, 6:9, 18; 2 Corinthians 12:21; Galatians 5:19; Ephesians 5:3; etc…)
The argument made to marry as a solution to strong sexual desires is addressed in I Corinthians 7, and Regnerus does use that passage toward the end of the article. Yes, it is a valid reason for marriage, but if it is the only reason, then the person is making a grave mistake. That passage alone spends a great deal of time addressing this topic from many different angles. It would take many blog entries to really look at this issue and try to come to conclusions. This passage, by itself, gives us a good idea how complex the answers to this subject can be. The truth is, when a person should get married can only be determined individually. It would be wrong for us to argue a "one size fits all" model for when a person should marry.
Regnerus does say that the church should promote marriage, and I agree. Hebrews 13:4 tells us to hold marriage in honor, and that God will judge those who defile it. And we have an example of marriage in Ephesians 5 that illustrates the beautiful relationship of Christ and His church. It is important for us to revere, honor, and encourage marriage as the good gift from God it is. There are good examples of those who got married young, and there are good examples of those who get married later. So much of that depends on the maturity and calling of each individual.
I want to make it clear I am not against Regnerus. He did a good job of refuting the arguments for getting married later. If you did not read the article, please do, it will make you think. You can find it here:
4 comments:
Have you read Mohler's response?
http://www.albertmohler.com/blog_read.php?id=4161
I agree the reason for earlier marriage should not be lust or lack of restraint. Whether you marry or not marry it should only be for the glory of God. If you are called to marriage, do it for God's glory. If you are called to be single, be single for the glory of God.
As parents we need to raise our children with a vision that includes both marriage and singleness (with celibacy) so that they will be prepared for the Lord's calling. They need to be taught at a young age what it means to be prepared for marriage and how to glorify the Lord through marriage (I think that this is important particularly from young men -- women seem to be more inclined to marriage).
But they also need to be taught at a young age that the Lord may not bring a spouse in youth (or ever for that matter).So that they need to keep their ways pure and trust in the Lord to meet every need. I know the struggle that it takes to be pure until marriage.
Both options will take Grace but if we are truly the Lord's either path will be accompanied by His Joy and strength.
As for the "church", I think that they have failed in so many ways have failed in teaching on this issue.
I also wonder how many of these who are not abstaining have grown up in a school setting that allows for and promotes such attitudes?
As always, it is truly a right heart attitude.
Thanks for addressing this and tagging me.
Fine points, Rick. Ours is not to combat the world using the world's logic, but to demonstrate kingdom culture based on kingdom values.
Have you had a chance to read "Family Driven Faith" by Baucham? I found it quite interesting, as it addresses a number of current 'cultural' norms from a Biblical basis.
I also took issue with this article and how it approached the question. If the author followed his argument to its logical end, then he would have to advocate marriage as soon after the onset of puberty as possible. This is obviously vastly stupid, since many young girls are becoming young women at nine or ten years old. Are we really willing to promote teenage marriage?
No Matt...but we should not be promoting 'teenage' anything. The Bible addresses no such stage in life. It speaks of a child and then a man.
And...if you look at history..up until the last 100 years or so most people *were* getting married shortly after the onset of puberty! Particulary young women.
A hundred years is a VERY short time in the span of thousands and thousands of years.
A big issue is that these kids are not being prepared to get married...even if they are physically ready.
This is what the Rebelution is all about. Skipping over this 'teenage' period of time and doing hard and mature things. The word teenager didn't even exist until around the 1940's.
Young men are pretty much aware of whether or not they should get married by the time they hit puberty...either they are attracted to girls or not. So...if it is clear that they really like girls...they should begin to be purposeful in their lives so that they *can* get married as soon as possible.
Up until a hundred years or so ago, it was a right of passage for a young man to find a wife and have a family. Now it's just something they'll get around to.
And now we have singles groups in our churches in the numbers of 300 and no one can find a spouse!
I've mentioned this several times before. This is the first generation of young men I have seen where so many don't have jobs still at 18yrs old. I mean, EVERYONE got a job at 16 or even 15.5 when I was that age. I look, and half the young men have never really worked yet at 18 and 19 yrs old. Why? And why all of sudden is it too *hard* to work AND go to college?
I know NOW there is a recession..but that wasn't the case 2 or 3 or 4 years ago. But these young men were sitting around playing vidoe games rather than pursuing maturity and responsibility. So of course it seems ridiculous to expect them to get married!
So we have singles groups with tons of people in there late 20's and 30's still not able to find a spouse. And a pornography problem in the church that is horrendous!
NOT that that is the only reason why....it just doesn't help to have young men struggling and fighting this God given desire from 13 to 30. THAT is a LONG time! Not to mention that pornography among women is on a huge rise...and I think for similar reasons.
I think what has seeped into the church as well is this idea of finding the 'one'. The romantic perfect 'one'. These young people haven't been taught to love what God loves....and therefore they 'overlook' other young people in favor of what the world says is lovable.
And the idea of asking older Godly couples to help in the pursuit of a spouse is virtually gone from our churches. It's a loner thing....and therefore not happening.
Another thing is...they are being *told* they are too young to marry, so they aren't even considering or being purposeful....it's just this thing they will do when they are older. So no purpose, just whenever it happens, it happens.
And I agree, Ric, sex should not be the sole purpose of getting married...but it is clear in scripture that that is a huge reason and part for getting marriage after the picture of Christ and the church. Sheesh! There is a whole book in the Bible on it!
I think, as a whole, marriage has become less important...both in the world and in our churches. Our young peoples heart should have a great desire and purpose to marriage so as to example Christ and the church...that alone should drive them to do it as soon as possible.
Just my ramblings...looking forward to more on this.
BTW--a great book, "Getting Serious About Getting Married" by Debbie Maken. I have it if anyone wants to borrow.
Post a Comment