Marrying Young – I Do, or I Do Not Yet

There has been much discussion lately over the topic of marriage, and when is the right time to marry. This recent discussion revolves around an article published in Christianity Today by Mark Regnerus, an associate professor of sociology at the University of Texas. He lays a case against modern American society that says people should prepare first and build a financial foundation before embarking on marital unions. Specifically, Evangelical Churches should pull away from such thinking and promote the marriage covenant more aggressively, and encourage our youth to start much earlier than current statistics show. I agree with him that the church should not embrace such worldviews, and should promote marriage as the gift God made it to be. However, he started the article by laying a foundation that is just another worldly argument that directly violates God's word. And because he started there, it was hard for me to get past that and see the effective rebuttals he made against those who propose postponing marriage until later in life. I suggest that believers should look first to the Bible to see what God says, and with that foundation we can make choices where God has given freedom.

This foundation I struggled with was an argument for promoting earlier marriage based on sexual statistics of young people. By his statistics, over 90% of young adults have sex outside of marriage, and among evangelicals, 80% who are in a relationship have some form of sex outside of marriage. He says these stats show that teaching abstinence to them just isn't working. All it does is make them feel guilty. Regnerus says when we ask our youth to remain pure "few evangelicals accomplish what their pastors and parents wanted them to." He also says "I'm suggesting that in the domain of sex, most of them don't and won't" abstain. He goes on to say "when people wait until their mid-to-late 20's to marry, it is unreasonable to expect them to refrain from sex." According to him, the church is losing the battle for purity because we are putting unreasonable pressure on them in this present culture.

Now I understand why he says he has encountered such resistance to his view on marrying young. These attacks on the fabric of Biblical principles make it hard to keep listening. I know it did for me. Everything else he said was tainted by the conclusion he made from the data collected. Am I wrong? Should we also conclude that since almost everyone is doing it, we are unfair to expect young Christians to stay pure until marriage?

It is important here to remember that the church is not making unbearable demands on us, but we are teaching what God wants and expects us all to do. God's word is clear about whether it is ok to have sex outside of marriage. 1Thessalonians 4 tells us that God's will for our sanctification is that we abstain from sexual immorality (1 Thess.4:3). And, we are not to act with the passionate lusts of unbelievers, but with knowledge how to have self control of our bodies (1 Thess. 4:4-5). The church may need to examine itself in this area, to see if it has adequately trained young people how to know how to control his/her urges. I am sure this is lacking in the church. We are quick to tell them (and us) how immorality is wrong, but then not prepare them with the right weapons to fight the temptations.

The passage continues, though, to exhort us not to wrong each other with sexual sin, and warns us of the consequences before God for those that do (1 Thess. 4:6). God has called us to be holy, and not impure (1 Thess. 4:7). And finally, a stern warning comes to anyone who rejects this, because they are rejecting God (1 Thess. 4:8). After all, The Lord did not leave us all alone, but He gave us the Holy Spirit. We need to be careful not to ever give a message that abstinence is an unreasonable teaching. This passage and many more tell us that it is God's message. (Romans 13:13; 1 Corinthians 5:1, 6:9, 18; 2 Corinthians 12:21; Galatians 5:19; Ephesians 5:3; etc…)

The argument made to marry as a solution to strong sexual desires is addressed in I Corinthians 7, and Regnerus does use that passage toward the end of the article. Yes, it is a valid reason for marriage, but if it is the only reason, then the person is making a grave mistake. That passage alone spends a great deal of time addressing this topic from many different angles. It would take many blog entries to really look at this issue and try to come to conclusions. This passage, by itself, gives us a good idea how complex the answers to this subject can be. The truth is, when a person should get married can only be determined individually. It would be wrong for us to argue a "one size fits all" model for when a person should marry.

Regnerus does say that the church should promote marriage, and I agree. Hebrews 13:4 tells us to hold marriage in honor, and that God will judge those who defile it. And we have an example of marriage in Ephesians 5 that illustrates the beautiful relationship of Christ and His church. It is important for us to revere, honor, and encourage marriage as the good gift from God it is. There are good examples of those who got married young, and there are good examples of those who get married later. So much of that depends on the maturity and calling of each individual.

I want to make it clear I am not against Regnerus. He did a good job of refuting the arguments for getting married later. If you did not read the article, please do, it will make you think. You can find it here:

http://www.christianitytoday.com/ct/2009/august/16.22.html

The Influence Inside

The other day I was reading a story my friend wrote for her column. She is very susceptible to the affects of the toxins in hazardous plants. Their yard, however, has poison oak, poison ivy, and poison sumac mixed in the landscape. She knows she cannot do any yard work to avoid endangering her health (I wish I could use that excuse). There was so much work to do in the yard, though, and it coaxed her and pressured her and she began to tackle the landscaping instead of leaving it to her husband. Another voice spoke too, and it told her to "stop … now," and it gave her pause. She decided she would be very careful. She thought she could control the situation. But, somewhere along the way, she got attacked on her right arm, causing it to swell abnormally and painfully. This meant at the very least a trip to the doctor, medicine, possible steroids, etc…

This story immediately reminded me of the message I heard a month ago by CJ Mahaney on "The Troubled Heart" from Psalm 42. The psalmist demonstrates the inner turmoil each of us experiences. You know what I am talking about; that still small voice in your head that can encourage or depress you. Paul Tripp said it best: "You are the most influential person in your own life." CJ asked us to think about the truth of Tripp's statement. We all are in a never-ending conversation with ourselves. From the moment we open our eyes in the morning, until the time late at night when we drift out of consciousness, we are telling ourselves what to do, how to feel, and how to act. I would dare say those "quiet people" we know may actually talk to themselves even more.

What we communicate to ourselves influences us in both our attitudes and our actions. We tell ourselves we don't deserve what we are going through, we deserve to be treated better than we are, etc …, and wallow in self pity. We coax ourselves into sin by tricking ourselves into believing how great it will be, or how we deserve it after what we've been through. The truth is, because of our sin nature, we are constantly giving ourselves bad advice. So, even though we want what's best for "me", most of us, left to ourselves, are our own worst influences. What we desperately need is an intervention.

Enter the influence of God Almighty. I know it will seem like I am contradicting myself, but for those that have been called by God, the Lord is the most influential person in our lives. Let me explain. We were dead in our sin until He made us alive (Ephesians 2:4-6; Colossians 2:12-13). God took our hearts of stone, and gave us hearts of flesh to cause obedience (Ezekiel 36:26-27). This great God, by the purpose of His will, chose us before He created the world, and predestined our adoption as His very own children (Ephesians 1:4-5; 6-10; 11-14). This Divine intervention is what I would call an irresistible influence. God, in love, stepped in and gave us what we were incapable of because of sin. He now gave us the voice we needed all along to be the right influence on ourselves. He did this when He gave us the Holy Spirit to dwell in us (I Corinthians 2:12-13).

We still influence ourselves all the time, but now God has changed us so we can listen to His instruction in the Bible. Instead of listening to that old influence, we need to talk to ourselves with the truth and understanding we now have in Christ. We need to tell ourselves the truth that comes from God's word. This can only happen if we are continually going to it for understanding, knowledge, and wisdom. We need to have the attitude for the knowledge of God that the psalmist has in Psalm 119. He cannot get enough of it and neither should we.

This change from listening to our sinful selves and speaking God's truth to our hearts does not just happen. Each day you need to make a concerted effort to stop listening to the wrong voice and spend the day talking to yourself. Speak to yourself the wisdom that comes from God's word. Sow the seeds of truth into your soul. Water them with the promises God has for us and let the Holy Spirit grow the fruit of faith and trust in our inner being. The skill to be totally dependent on the grace of God is one that needs to be learned. This is a lifestyle change that needs to be addressed on a daily basis and every time we find our troubled soul leading us the wrong direction. This struggle will continue your whole life.

It is time we became a positive influence on ourselves instead of the negative one we have been. We need to change our troubled souls into hopeful ones. We need to ask ourselves why we are down and admonish ourselves to hope in God (Psalm 42:5, 11). We need to listen to the Voice of Truth.

A Living Example

It sure has been a long time since my last post. I was in S. Africa at Christ Seminary and we had just finished our time in Malawi. So much has happened since then, and I would not even know where to begin to tell it all. Now that the trip is over, this blog will change. My continuing this will depend on whether people take an interest. My intent is to share what the Lord puts on my heart, and be an encouragement to my brothers and sisters in our walk of faith.

There have been big changes this week in our household. Brian, along with Bekka and Jared, graduated from high school on Sunday. And he has now turned 18. Life has totally changed for him in the same week. He is full of questions and uncertainty. He has not found a job, doesn't have a major, and in that, is not sure what he wants to do in life. Sound familiar? Many of us even this late in life are unsure about what we are doing and whether we should seek to change. So he's standing at the first of potentially many crossroads in his adult life and wonders. And I wonder if I prepared him for this? Could I have done a better job?

Julie & I have tried to teach him everything he needs for this moment. We home schooled him. We got him involved at church. We have read and taught him the truths from God's word. But did we show him by example how to walk in a relationship with Christ? Talking the talk is one thing. Teaching him all the right things is good. But, if that is not demonstrated by showing him day to day how that plays out in our lives, then maybe we haven't properly prepared him.

This really hit me last year when I came across Paul urging the Corinthians to imitate him. You know he says this quite a bit (I Corinthians 4:16, 11:1, Philippians 3:17, 4:9, etc…). I have heard this before. God purposed for Paul to be a spiritual giant as an example to us. But can I say that about myself to those around me who look up to me, like my children? Am I supposed to be able to say that of myself? God has commissioned me to be the father and spiritual leader of these children and as such, I need to be able to ask them to look to me as an example. I need to live as an example they can follow. How?

We should look to Paul's example, because he showed us how. He tells Corinth (and us) to imitate him because he imitates Christ (I Corinthians 11:1). You see, the example he followed was the one of our Lord and Savior. Jesus tells us in Luke9:23 to die to ourselves and follow Him. Paul deeply understood this. He did and continually died to his wants and desires and by faith in Christ surrendered to have Christ live through him (Galatians 2:20). It was not even on his own strength or ability that he achieved this life for others to follow. Becoming more like Christ is about letting Christ, through His Spirit, work in my life. If I can demonstrate a submission to the Holy Spirit to work through me for God's glory, then I can ask someone to follow me, as I follow Christ.

Our gracious God has been kind to help me see this truth in my life. I am not a perfect example. I fall and sin. In fact, I still sin a lot. But God has been working there also to show me that even in moments of weakness, I can model a life to follow through repentance and dependence on Christ to fight against the evil in my heart. Daily, by the power of Christ in me, I can humbly say, "Be an imitator of me, as I am an imitator of Christ".